Since I’m such a superstud, I was trolling an 9/11 Truth internet message board. I like conspiracies but don’t really wholeheartedly believe in any. The idea of the shadowy cabal is brilliant fun and, when you don’t let facts get in your way, your only limit on history is your imagination.

Was JFK killed by a jealous fifth dimensional Yeti after conceiving U2’s Bono with the hairy she-beast?

I fucking wish!

Did a government faction surreptitiously wire the World Trade Center with thermite, kill all the explosives experts involved then orchestrate a massive terror attack in order to start a war or two?

No.

But if while holding your breath in the deep end at aged 8 you passed out for ten minutes only to be resuscitated by a male life guard who looked liked a Job after the plague of boils, then the 9/11 Truth movement may make perfect sense to your once oxygen starved little brain.

The movement’s tentpole is a film called, for some strange reason, Loose Change. The film started as a piece of fiction by auteur film school reject Dylan Avery and his buddies. They apparently realized that if they could make it up then IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. The film is freely available on YouTube and Google video. It’s basically 80 minutes of some guy pulling shit out of his ass and asking you to sniff it. Go ahead, watch.

I’d rather lurk on their message boards (for some reason I get off on repeatedly reading “911 was an inside job in all caps). These message boards are a remarkable testament to the shittiness of American schools. The logic. The science. The spelling. Are all horrible. Poor grammar and spelling are particularly irksome to me. The worst example so far was a guy who used the word “preferbial,” which is funny because that is not a word.

So for the benefit of our paranoid, and likely malodorous, friends here are some easy-to-remember tips:

1. Their is the possessive form of they.
Ex: Their keyboards are full of Chee-Tos.

2.They’re is a contraction form by the words “they” and “are.”
Ex: They’re unaware of the principle called Occam’s Razor

3. There identifies place or introduces a clause in a sentence.
Ex: Place your tinfoil hat over there.
There are logical explanations for your extravagant claims.

4. It’s is a contraction formed by “it” and “is.”
Ex: It’s quite simple.

5. Its is the possessive form of it.
Ex: It ran off with its tail between its legs.

6. It’s spelled ridiculous not rediculous. In a manner worthy of ridicule. (If you’re spelling this wrong you’re probably also saying it wrong.)
Ex: The most ridiculous clip of a kitten eating a melon you’ll see all day